I get flustered in public. =(

[cthylla]

Hello! Been a member for several years, but have lurked more than posted. Forgive me if this is somewhat rambly.

Last year I began my business and did several convention/ craft shows in addition to building an online presence. I hadn't initially intended on doing shows in person because I have Aspergers (whether or not they removed it from the DSM, but that's another forum!), which means sometimes I can't handle social situations as smoothly as I would like.

For the most part, people were great- positive, encouraging, etc! These are people I have NO problems talking to. I can explain everything beautifully.

But then I get that one person. I wonder if you already know who I am talking about? They are never alone. They may have one or more friends with them, and it seems that their objective is to just ridicule you. If it's not a "you make SOAP for a living LOL" it's something sexually demeaning. But for me, even worse than that is when they ask me scientific questions and I am too flustered to answer.

It's not that I don't know the answers. I do. But something about them just shuts me down and I can't recover until they're gone and I can take a few minutes to collect myself.

I probably should just write these situations off in my head, but I feel so foolish over them. I feel angry with myself for not being sassy and telling them off. I feel embarrassed and self-conscious if they are remarks about my appearance. And they chip away at my self-confidence that I rely on to schedule my next public show.

Does anyone else have issues like this? How do you deal with them? And advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Susie]

First off, people who act like that are rude to everyone. And it flusters most people. So, don't feel bad about it. There are words that describe them, but using them would probably get me banned from the forum.

What you need to do is pre-plan answers, and practice them in a mirror. With a smile. I know it is difficult, but smiling at them makes them look like the rude creatures they are. They are looking to upset you, and you looking(even if you don't feel it) calm and cool denies them the response they are looking for.

To the "you make soap for a living?" question, I would answer, "Yes, I am truly blessed to be able to do something I love."

To the people who are sexually demeaning, you need to practice a look in the mirror. It is the one your mother used when seeing something nasty. And just stare at them like that. Don't say a word. Your silence and lack of being flustered will make them look like fools.

For the scientific questions, print up a FAQ brochure with the answers. When you get asked those, pull out one of the brochures and read the info to them. Nothing fancy, just use your computer printer. Having the info right at hand will pull lots of the anxiety out of the situation.

Hope that helps!

 

[PuddinAndPeanuts]

I think Susie gave you great advice. And take heart... We all feel that way sometimes. I don't doubt that the aspergers makes it more challenging, but we can all identify.

Btw, did they really take aspergers out of the DSM??? How on earth can they justify that?!

 

[Susie]

I think Susie gave you great advice. And take heart... We all feel that way sometimes. I don't doubt that the aspergers makes it more challenging, but we can all identify.

Btw, did they really take aspergers out of the DSM??? How on earth can they justify that?!

Because it is on the autism spectrum, just too high functioning to really qualify them for the help that having a named diagnosis brings. It is wrong, and they will have to re-include it soon, but governments move slower than molasses in January, so it will be a while. The DSM is one of those pendulum swinging things, it goes too far one way, then too far the other.

 

[leapinglizards]

You could also do the direct approach, depending on how revealing you wish to be. "Yes, and I have a lot of challenges socially- so this is a -good attitude only- zone. You have to be nice and kind, or the soap will reject you and you have to leave." Said with a smile and wink of course.

Sometimes NICELY calling rude twits on their stuff makes them back right now.... and sometimes, they really are not TRYING to be as rude as they are.

In my life I have been a Magician, Hypnotists, palm reader, artist, body painter, performer, soap maker and kettle corn vendor..... MOST of these things are not "normal" professions- so I have heard, smugly over and over again "This is what you do for a LIVING?!???" The FACT is, usually, this is said by people who are unhappy in their boring jobs, and they see what we do as being fun, glamorous, or interesting.

 

[gunsmithgirl]

My big problem is I am extremely anti-social. I could be a hermit up in the mountains somewhere and be happy. I am not outgoing at all and get shy and uncomfortable around strangers. I have totally been there with a person asking you a question and being too flustered to answer even though it's a no-brainer. I know I could sell 10 X more if I could overcome this but in reality probably never will.
Sometimes it bothers me but I do pretty well even with things like they are because my product is good and kinda sells itself. I think free samples on the lotions and body butters helps, I always have sample bottles out on the table and it sells a lot for me when folks try it, but can't exactly do that for soaps at a table....

Best of luck on your future shows and events!!!!!!!

 

[pamielynn]

My big problem is I am extremely anti-social. I could be a hermit up in the mountains somewhere and be happy. I am not outgoing at all and get shy and uncomfortable around strangers. I have totally been there with a person asking you a question and being too flustered to answer even though it's a no-brainer. I know I could sell 10 X more if I could overcome this but in reality probably never will.
Sometimes it bothers me but I do pretty well even with things like they are because my product is good and kinda sells itself. I think free samples on the lotions and body butters helps, I always have sample bottles out on the table and it sells a lot for me when folks try it, but can't exactly do that for soaps at a table....

Best of luck on your future shows and events!!!!!!!

This is so me! I've gotten a little better with practice, but I still tell people "I'm a horrible salesperson, but let me tell you about my soap". Honesty helps, and then I try to talk WITH the person about other things and build a repoire that way. It still really hard for me to be out there, front and center.

 

[neeners]

I think you've got some great advise. I'm terrible in public and especially with rude people (I'm one of those who get flustered, become speechless, then think of some great remark AFTER it happens). Best of luck in the future! You'll be great!

 

[lenarenee]

I would like to point out that the op also mentioned things were said to her that were sexually demeaning. I was hoping someone would notice and address this. I haven't, because I have no idea what to tell her.

This happens at a market; is there any recourse for her?

Cythylla, maybe memorizing a few responses for use when these things happen would help you? There's a lot of clever people here who can help think of some for you.

Do you have any one who can sit with you at the market? Wish I could, but I'm on the wrong coast!

Do keep in mind, that you are not the only one this happens to, and we are always on your side!

On a side note; this sounds like such juvenile behavior. I've seen teachers in lower elementary grade wear "necklaces" made of string/ribbon and laminated cards. Some were either a happy/sad face, or red/green light. The teacher would flash the appropriate card at the student with the behavior. Ha! Or tell them to go sit in the corner. I'd be tempted to do both.

 

[CanaDawn]

wellp.....sexually demeaning comments would be considered sexual harassment or discrimination here, and would be against the law. Not sure how the OP would want to handle that, but it's not acceptable, and at the very least I would be pointing those creeps out to the Market security officers (if they have them) or management.

"this is what you do for a LIVING?" = "yup, I'm very lucky. Now, which soap would you like to have a look at?"

science questions: I agree about having something printed up you can either read or offer, and practice practice practice with friends and friendly strangers.

It's ok to apologise for freezing up and starting over, it's ok to feel awkward, it's ok to see the person later and feel ready to address the question "hey! I have an answer to that question you asked, I just had to check a few details....", it's ok to find the sorts of questions and comments you are mentioning to be distasteful and to ignore or refuse to respond to them, and it's ok to bring in reinforcements if you need them (either to stop the harassment, or to smooth over your awkward moments until you are so practiced and calm you don't need backup)

Good luck!

 

[cerelife]

Hi! Great advice so far, and I agree with what others have said about making notes/flashcards/a brochure to refer back to for the technical stuff. This way you only have to read, or if you're too flustered to read, you could just hand the person a card/brochure, smile sweetly, and say "This should answer your questions."
As for the rude people, I agree that they most likely aren't happy in THEIR lives, so they take it out on everyone else. It's hard not to take things like this personally, but it really says far more about them than you!!
To be more specific on the things you mentioned:
If someone says something like "This is what you do for a living??", I am in total agreement with Susie who said you should turn it back on them. Give them a huge smile and say "I know, isn't it amazing to have a job actually doing what you love? What do YOU do for a living?"
I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sexually demeaning', but comments about your sex and/or appearance are completely unacceptable, and again I agree with Susie to give them 'The Look' - look them straight in the eye with a calm face, raised eyebrows and your head held high - the universal look of disgust for someone who's behavior is beyond the pale. Give it 15 seconds with total silence, and if they don't apologize, just turn your back on them and go about your business. Either way, you win. You kept your dignity and made them look like the idiots they are...
And per your self-esteem; I love quotes and thought I'd share some of my favorites that are pertinent to your post. I hope you love them as much as I do, and if any of them 'speak' to you, maybe print them out on business cards and keep them in your pocket for when you have to deal with idiots?
"Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine" ~ Unknown
"Any fool can criticize, comdemn and complain - and most fools do." ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." ~ Dalai Lama
"Always behave like a swan. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like h*ll underwater." ~ Unknown
"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing,and be nothing." ~ Aristotle
"Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me." ~ Unknown
"A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep." ~ Unknown
"True courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." ~ John Wayne
"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to h*ll in such a way that they look forward to the trip." ~ Winston Churchill

 

[leapinglizards]

In terms of the sexually demeaning remarks- I am not sure exactly what was meant by that. Personally, I think anyone who makes sexual remarks to a stranger in a public place like a market should be met with a shocked glance, followed by a "I'm sorry, that was not appropriate!" If it goes beyond that, that's when you call a manager, officer, or other authority figure and let them know.

 

[MzMolly65]

Does anyone else have issues like this? How do you deal with them? And advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Ooo ya .. been there, those people are awful. I highly recommend the book,

Suzette Haden Elgin's book, "The gentle art of verbal self-defense"

It will give you the tools to deflect these people in nasty situations like that BUT keep in mind it takes practice. After the read the book I was still getting frustrated at my inability to react, but in time I was using the skills better and better.

ETA: the skills are very simple but leave little room for more attack like;
agreeing in a way that doesn't quite agree .. "Are you crazy?" answer, "it's possible"
being positive .. "you do THIS for a living?" (said snidely) answer with big happy smile, "YES"
or the best yet, throwing some crazy at them .. "you do THIS for a living" .. answer "I shaved cranberry pants tomorrow"

I loved the book, it really helped me.

There will always be someone in any crowd who needs to feel superior but I just remember the quote, "Anyone who tries to bring you down is already below you."

 

[navigator9]

I'm really a shy person by nature, so I can understand, and I give you a lot of credit, knowing that you have social challenges, and choosing to do something that is difficult for you. That takes guts! Unfortunately, there will always be mean people in life to be dealt with. I always imagine that their pitiful lives are so awful that they just want to drag everyone else down with them. You need to know that it's not you. These people treat everyone badly, it's their nature. Sadly, dealing with them is just a fact of life. As far as the sexual harassment goes, that's a different story, and I would bring that up with management.

And I think the advice about printing up flyers or a brochure with answers to your most frequently asked questions is perfect. You can just hand it over with a big smile and say, "This should answer your questions."

Most importantly, don't feel alone. Consider the support you've received in these answers as a big collective hug. We understand, and deal with the same issues, too. Hold your head up, smile, get out there and sell some fabulous soap!!!

 

[DeeAnna]

I am not the best at the gentle art of verbal defense, being a card-carrying introvert and geek. As I get older it comes a little easier -- I suppose it's all about practice, hey, Molly? :wink: I also think that being a college instructor helped a lot -- 10+ years of dealing with students in class forced me to learn how to think on my feet and respond appropriately.

If people are just trying to challenge me rather than trying to be just nasty, I've found the all-purpose, generic, easy-to-memorize question, "Why do you ask?" to be a good response. It puts them, not me, in the immediate position of having to explain. And it gives me a little time to get my head in the game and muster my verbal defenses. Depending on how they respond to my question, we can sometimes start to have a conversation between equals.

 

[dixiedragon]

I read somewhere that it takes seven positive comments for every one negative comment for us to feel like the two are "equal" - meaning we tend to take negative comments and interactions to heart and forget the positive ones.

Perhaps you could keep score card with two colums "good interactions" "bad interactions" or even three columns "good", "neutral", "bad". Make a tick mark everytime you interact with somebody. I bet you'll find that you have, many, many more positive and neutral interactions than negative ones. That might help you to stop giving the negative interactions so much head space.

 

[cthylla]

Thank you SO MUCH for all of the advice and support. I like every single idea posted.

I am absolutely a natural born hermit... and the person who can't think of something clever to say until long after I've needed it. I am certainly going to look into that book. I find that once I understand the framework of a situation and have memorized several possible responses, I do much better!

Another huge problem I have is that I don't actually process and understand WHAT is happening as it is happening. So something really ****ty may be happening to me, and my mental dialogue is "is this what I think it is? Am I imaging this? Am I wrong? Will my reaction be wrong?" which means people can often get away with murder. It's not until much later that I fully process what happened. Like I mentioned before, without a preexisting framework from which to work from, I become a deer in the headlights.

Sometimes, I do have a friend sit with me- and she's amazing. She's this little spitfire that can talk to anyone about anything, and put anyone in their place with SASS. I admire that so much! Sadly, I can only have her at one specific show.

As far as the sexual references, I can give you more specific examples, though it's somewhat embarrassing. I get a lot of looking, but one extreme example is a man just stood about 2 tables down and STARED at me. I guess "leered" or "oogled" are better words for it. So not close enough for me to say "can I help you?" but close enough for me to notice and feel uncomfortable. He stood there for at least 15 minutes. I kept trying to tell myself I was overreacting....or mistaken.... and to ignore it, etc.... but it was UNNERVING. Finally, I asked a neighboring male vendor to go shoo him away. He moved, but continued to do the same thing from various other locations. I didn't think I could ask security to remove someone for staring at me.

Another example is a man (after the "you do this for a living?!") said something along the lines of "I MIGHT buy a bar if you come back to our room and provide a demonstration." I'm very literal, and the first thing I do is respond literally. Sometimes, the ACTUAL meaning comes later to me. I DID just sit there and stare at him, confused. I said "why wouldn't you just use the bathroom?" And he laughed at me and said something like "we could go into the bathroom if that's what you're into HAR HAR" and just as realization was dawning, one of his friends finally spoke up and shooed him away. But I felt gross.

A third example is touchy-feeling vendors. I get a lot of the "come up from behind and hands on my shoulders/neck kind of thing." I always jump away, and then I get the "what's wrong with you- I wasn't doing anything" ****.

Other comments are things like "so you test each one yourself- I'd like to see that!" And other similar crap.

And just to clarify, there IS innocent flirting, but I consider these things on a different level.

So there are my more embarrassing stories. :???:

 

[CanaDawn]

Touching you without permission is not ok, and you can say something like "I'm sorry if my reaction startled you, but I didn't expect someone to touch me without my consent. Please don't do that again."

The guy asking for a demonstration IS gross, not you. I know what you mean about the literal meaning making those innuendos confusing. AND about standing there assessing if your response is accurate or acceptable....but if YOU feel uncomfortable, then that is how you feel, and you can respond to that discomfort even if the other person doesn't understand why you feel that way.

A flat stare and "that was very inappropriate" can work very well in many situations...you can buy yourself some time, fluster in your head, use that deer in the headlights stare you say you'll have anyhow, AND make the other person deservedly uncomfortable!

Your friend sounds great. She would probably help you come up with some phrases you can use when you feel "off" in a situation that are generic enough to use as rote responses.

 

[lenarenee]

Another huge problem I have is that I don't actually process and understand WHAT is happening as it is happening. So something really ****ty may be happening to me, and my mental dialogue is "is this what I think it is? Am I imaging this? Am I wrong? Will my reaction be wrong?" which means people can often get away with murder. It's not until much later that I fully process what happened. Like I mentioned before, without a preexisting framework from which to work from, I become a deer in the headlights.

I often have that same problem: a delayed understanding to what really happened, being a deer in the headlights.

Practice helps; unfortunately, getting that practice means putting yourself out there and having to live through those situations. :evil:

I am so glad to see that you are finding ideas to cope with these people...that you're fighting for yourself! You may be in that booth at the market alone, but we are all here rooting for you!!

 

[Seawolfe]

A third example is touchy-feeling vendors. I get a lot of the "come up from behind and hands on my shoulders/neck kind of thing." I always jump away, and then I get the "what's wrong with you- I wasn't doing anything" ****.

Oh this is SO not ok. Out of sheer habit from martial arts classes when I was a kid, I drive my elbow into peoples solar plexus when they come up behind me and touch me. Ill even apologize and explain it away as a reflex - they only do it once! I suppose a more passive method would be to step on their instep and apologize profusely, but get a reputation for causing pain when touched without permission like that. It helps

I understand wanting to be liked, but you don't want people who touch you without permission to like you anyways, so win-win.