Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Mooicle, Aug 22, 2019.
I hope you’re feeling better today. (Edited)
I have two friends that have children (and grandchildren) living in China. My daughter and SIL live in San Francisco, and I'm in MN. I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky they are as close as they are. It's still hard though, some days more than others. And my son and DIL are here and that helps.
I have been an empty nester for three years now (5 kids) and these are the things I learned:
Setting the table every night, complete with serving bowls, is just silly; hubby can serve himself off the stove.
A glass of wine really helps you enjoy watching tv with hubby, you know shows like "River Monsters" and anything to do with old cars.
Until they stop asking for money you are not an empty nester, just a remote ATM.
Kids will always show up with laundry, need a new cell phone, and want to stay on your phone plan after they get 6 figure jobs.
Eventually you will love the quiet.
When they come home it is special and you get to cook their faves and spoil them again.
All of those feelings are normal. Life will forever be different - so you're grieving. All of a sudden you have to find a new normal. The key is...to take the bull by the horns and recognize you'll now have time to create your new normal. Yes, it will be uncomfortable! Glad you'll be making soap! But also buddy up with a friend, or find a new, where you can get together for coffee and chatting, or watching a movie, doing crafts together. Volunteer! But let yourself grieve, and soon you'll enjoy defining your new normal. Hugs!
I was trying to put a message together for you and I kept feeling I couldn’t really explain what I was wanting to say. So I decided to just wish you happiness in this next stage of your life, the advice of keeping busy Doing things you love is the answer !!!
Ps. Our 41 year old son has returned home....!
I love the ages of kids 18-28. So many adventures, decisions good and bad, life’s lessons. Parents are the advisors and confidants, help to keep a steady keel, so kids learn to steer their own ship. So older kid parenting is much more cerebral than just doing laundry. A different kind of job, and also a first time for parents too. My kids are 46 and 40 and I’m now in the grandparent role. You never stop being a mom—the role evolves, and will figure yours out just fine. Take a breath and be so proud you launched them! Way more complicated than rocket science!!
That's what I keep telling myself. It always seems that whatever is happening right now is what it is always going to be. But it seems like things like to come full circle. New normals are so difficult...it seems like you just get used to something, and then it changes and makes you a mess again. I tell myself over and over to just calm down and enjoy the moment. I just have to get through next week and I think it will settle down in my mind pretty quick...as long as the kids are happy and doing ok, then I really and truly am fine.
YES!!!!! That is exactly it...I am SO SO SO proud of all 3 kids and want them to be independent and confident and excited to DO stuff. So I get very upset with myself when I have these annoying crying bouts where all I want is the kids. But then when I really think about it, I realize I do NOT want to go back to when they were little, and I CERTAINLY don't want them with me because how can they flourish that way? I would feel like the biggest loser mom in the world if all they wanted was me and couldn't handle life without me. So I WANT them to go out and live their lives....and then I go and cry cry cry...and make myself really annoyed at myself. It is a rollercoaster. It drives me nuts.
Well I figured that all empty nester moms out there knew exactly what I am going through and that in and of itself is a comfort...strange but true. Just knowing that I am not the only one is a HUGE help. Our oldest (23) has already returned once but is back out in the world. I figure that will probably happen a number of times. It feels good to be a place where the kids can come and reset, and then go back out to face the world. New normal...
You’ve got it!
And then they give you grandkids! I have been known to say, 'Being a grandmother is the best gig in town.' Ever since my soon-to-be 18yo granddaughter's parents brought her home when they returned from a long absence out of country. They only lived with us a few months, but the bond was initiated and cultivated ever since.
How I dealt with my two sons leaving (decades ago, I must admit) was to work excessive hours at my job, dedicated my weekends and evenings to a non-profit and volunteer work, and expanded my love of travel with friends (formerly it had been with family and sons). I fell in love again (twice) and began a life without dependents, and continued to travel. I think I went on a couple of excessive spending sprees, too. I moved, purchased a new condo, furnished and decorated 2 new homes, and kept right on talking to them (the kids) when possible. Of course they had their lives and sometimes we didn't see each other much. But it waxed and waned until the grandkids. Grandkids seemed to have been a stabilizing factor in bringing us all back together again. Because it truly does take a village, apparently, and I am part of the village.
But some of the time I used to have worrisome dreams about them that would awaken me to fret. Some of the time, I didn't know where either one of them was and would worry not knowing. One year, I gave my eldest son a Phone for Christmas (this was before mobile phones) as a hint that he didn't call me often enough. I looked forward to my birthday and my mother's birthday because my youngest always called those days (we didn't live together, but we were close) no matter where in the country he happened to travel. The one thing I did notice over the years was that whenever either of them fell in love, they wanted to talk to mom, so it's not only when they need money that they call. Often they called to share happy news about this wonderful new person in their lives. Sometimes they called to brag to mom about how well they were doing (a job opportunity, a promotion, a new home, etc.) But sometimes they'd call me and tell me about some great new adventure that they were thrilled about that just made me worry more. It is the life of being a parent, whether boys or girls, I suppose.
whenever my youngest comes over for supper he eats and then falls asleep on the couch--it used to kinda tick me off but then I thought about it. he works hard and I guess I feel good that he still feels at home enough that he can actually kick back and relax
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